ZACH: Cat. Hey. [A beat.] Stay with me tonight. We'll cash in this ticket tomorrow. We'll get a car, get in it, and drive… we'll drive to… Ohio. You ever been to Ohio?

CAT: My husband has a brother in Toledo.

ZACH: Your husband is in a whole ‘nother realm, another territory, another jungle, another world! All that's here is us. And I am feeling so good with you.

CAT: I'm feeling good with you.

ZACH: I feel like we could throw our whole fucking lives away and start again…

CAT: In Ohio?

[They kiss again. Heavy. They move to the ground. They are brimming with passion.]

HOMELESS MAN: Max would often play fetch. Until he was eaten.

[A beat.]

CAT: Zach?

ZACH: Yea?

CAT: Do you really think a German Shepard could eat another dog whole like that?

[The HOMELESS MAN barks and growls in his sleep. Then whimpering he becomes suddenly quiet.]

ZACH: Him? [He gets off CAT, pants half open.] Cat, let's get something straight here. That man Catherine… this man right here. This man simply fell into the wrong wormhole.

CAT: What?

ZACH: I knew this professor in college, a physicist and he said there are these things called "wormholes in time." Holes that can theoretically transport people to their other realities. Ya see, somewhere in another reality we have made the other decisions… the choices we didn't make! In another reality this man is a billionaire… you are not married to your husband… and I'm living in Ohio! The other possibility lives on with every decision we make. In other realities we are on those paths not taken in our lives. When you think about what you could be doing, you are doing it! Right now! Right now, we can continue in this reality or start a new one based on this decision! And if we start a new reality, don't feel bad because you will always be married to your husband in another one. It's so easy to change-- just change your mind. Somewhere I'm a bum and this man is giving me a quarter. Somewhere right now you are at home in bed with your husband and I'm drinking myself to sleep in front of the TV. We have created a whole new reality here Cat! We decided… just to talk to each other, but in the process we have created for ourselves a whole new life-- possibly. [Holds up KENO ticket.] We're at a wormhole Catherine. Would you like to jump in with me?

HOMELESS MAN: Max liked canned food best.

[A beat.]

CAT: Let me see that ticket.

ZACH: Right here. What do you say?

[Cat takes the ticket, pauses, and crosses to the HOMELESS MAN.]

CAT: [Attempting to nudge him awake] Excuse me? Excuse me sir.

ZACH: Where… what are you doing?

CAT: Sir?

HOMELESS MAN: Hnuh? Wha... What! What is it Rose, you scared me.

CAT: Rose?

HOMELESS MAN: Oh… it's you Jackie. Sorry, Jackie, I thought you were Rose.

CAT: Jackie.

HOMELESS MAN: Just scared me is all Jackie. What can I do for you?

CAT: Uh… sorry to disturb you sir, but…

HOMELESS MAN: Where's Bobby and Ted? The kids…?

CAT: I don't know… um… I just…

HOMELESS MAN: Caroline's growin' like a weed ain't she?

CAT: Yes, yes she is. I want to show you something sir. See this ticket? This ticket… it's a KENO ticket. And it's a winner! It's worth three thousand dollars.

HOMELESS MAN: Is that right?

CAT: Yes!


[ZACH busts out laughing.]

CAT: It's yours. You don't understand. I'm giving it to you.

HOMELESS MAN: You're not Jackie Onassis.

CAT: No. No I'm not.

HOMELESS MAN: Then stay out of my fucking dream.

ZACH: It's too late Cat. You can't stop fate!

CAT: No. Sir? Wake up Mister. I'm doing something kind here and I want your full attention.

HOMELESS MAN: Jackie! What do you want from me Jackie!

CAT: Jackie wants to give you some money.

HOMELESS MAN: You lie Jackie.

CAT: Jackie doesn't lie. And you can call me Mrs. Kennedy asshole!

[A beat.]

HOMELESS MAN: I'm sorry… I'm sorry Mrs. Kennedy. I was just looking for Bobby. He has my catechism.

CAT: Forget Bobby. Jack and I need you to do something. You might call it a mission. Are you ready to accept your mission?

HOMELESS MAN: Oh yes Mrs. Kennedy.

CAT: See this ticket? I want you to take this ticket and at oh-eight-hundred-hours tomorrow morning I want you to bring it to Lottery Headquarters at the capital building and claim for yourself three thousand dollars. Do you understand?

HOMELESS MAN: Lottery Headquarters. I understand. What about Caroline?

CAT: Oh don't you worry about Caroline. Her Confirmation isn't until nine, so you'll have plenty of time to pick her up at church. Now I must help Rose in the kitchen, so you better run along...

HOMELESS MAN: I'll take care of it Mrs. Kennedy! Is it okay if I take Teddy's car?

CAT: Well… all right.

HOMELESS MAN: [Taking the ticket] Wish Mr. Kennedy luck for me! [A beat.] Gosh, do you think I'll ever get to vote Mrs. Kennedy?

CAT: Some day. Some day you will. Now run along.

HOMELESS MAN: Thanks again... Miss Jackie!

[HOMELESS MAN runs away laughing.]

CAT: Oh you… smart aleck. Now you be careful along those bridges with Teddy's car!

[A beat as CAT watches him go.]

ZACH: Oh Miss Kennedy?

CAT: Yes? What is it?

[ZACH grabs CAT and they kiss. The low wail of police sirens is heard.]

CAT: [In between kisses] What's the name of that song?

ZACH: It's sirens… I think.

CAT: What's the name of the song that sounds like those sirens?

ZACH: Come on. I'm going to get that ticket back.

CAT: No!

ZACH: He's not going to claim that ticket!

CAT: Yes he is!

ZACH: He doesn't even-- he thinks he's living in Boston!

CAT: No. No!

[The sirens increase.]

ZACH: Cat! We're talkin' about three thousand dollars!

CAT: Dan Rather. Dan Rather's walking down the street and these two guys come up to Dan Rather and they say "Kenneth, what's the Frequency?" Dan Rather said he didn't know. He didn't know what they were talking about.

ZACH: What are YOU talking about?

CAT: They asked him again! "Kenneth, what's the frequency?" again he said he didn't know and just kept on walkin'. Then the two guys beat him up! Didn't steal nothing-- Just beat him up for no reason. Never caught the guys. Dan never saw them again. Shit just happens. True story! He got beat up because he didn't know the frequency!

ZACH: [Comforting her] Are you all right?

[We begin to see red and blue flashing lights.]

CAT: [Attempting to shake him off] Don't touch me. I'm a married woman. No science. No wormholes. Just shit happening. How does it happen? Sometimes you win Zach. Sometimes you… I don't know what I'm talking… [Noticing the lights] They're coming. I gotta go home. I gotta get outta here. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Zach.

ZACH: Come here.

CAT: No! They're in the park!

ZACH: Shhh… come here.

CAT: No Zach! I love you just get away… get away from me…

ZACH: Stop… just come here… let me…

[They slowly embrace.]

CAT: No Zach…

ZACH: Stop… Shhhh…

CAT: I must go… really…

ZACH: Okay…

CAT: And I never want to see you again…

ZACH: All right…

CAT: Jerk.

ZACH: Shhhh…

CAT: I want to go home… [Crying] You think I'm Mrs. Kennedy!

[She buries her face in his chest. The sad instrumental song is heard.]


CAT: I love you Zach…

ZACH: I wasn't even alive when she was Mrs. Kennedy…

CAT: There's that song again… No!

[She separates from him. She backs up. A long beat. She exits. Zach stands stunned and exasperated. POLICE enter with flashlights.]

ZACH: I bet in separate reality, we're having a hell of a time.

[A sign says: Police: Born in the 50's]

ZACH: All Skate! Alll Skate!!

[They approach Zach from all angles.]

POLICEMAN: [To ZACH] You just come from the roller rink?

POLICEMAN #2: So that's what that means.

POLICEMAN: [Handcuffing him.] Sure. Down at the roller rink. Decades ago. There was the speed skate. The girl skate. The boy skate. And the…


[The police read ZACH his rights. As lights fade we hear the squeal of a jet liner taking off. We hear interior airline noises and then see JANICE and BRAD sitting in airline seats. We can't see BRAD's face as he is reading National Geographic.]

BRAD: Hmph.

JANICE: Excuse me?

BRAD: What?

JANICE: I'm sorry I thought you said something.

BRAD: No I didn't. [A beat.] Well I guess I did, but not to you. I just found this article interesting.


BRAD: It's about the Bowerbird. You ever heard of the Bowerbird?


BRAD: It's an Australian bird. It's called the Bowerbird because the male builds these two large bower-like column structures out of twigs, plundered feathers… and things… um… here's a picture…

JANICE: So why do they build these bowers?

BRAD: Well that's what's interesting! They build them to attract the female. If the female likes the way the male built his bower… or it's up to her standards you might say… the female walks between the bowers as a kind of signal that she accepts him and then, well… they mate.


BRAD: It's always up to the female though. I guess a lot of females choose not to go through the bowers. It's one of the few species of animals where the male has to build something to attract the female.

JANICE: Man does that.

BRAD: Yes… well, yes, I guess they do.

JANICE: Have you done that?

BRAD: What?

JANICE: Built something to attract a female?

BRAD: No. I've never built anything in my entire life. Not even a fucking model airplane. [Nervous laugh.] Do you think it would work?

JANICE: Building a fucking model airplane?

BRAD: No. No, I'm sorry. [A pause.] My wife happened to up and leave me tonight.


BRAD: Yea. Kind of a pisser isn't it? Real pisser. Sooo… I dropped the kids off at my mother's, grabbed a bottle of Jack and a pack of smokes and hopped the first plane out of town that had room. Varoom.


BRAD: Can't describe it. Instinct.

JANICE: Instinct. Maybe you just always wanted to leave.

[A beat.]

BRAD: You know what's funny? I hate Jack Daniel's and I don't even smoke! It's a non-smoking flight! A non-smoking flight to Vegas- doesn't seem right does it?


BRAD: What?

JANICE: This flight's going to Reno.

BRAD: Huh. I could've sworn… oh well, shit happens!


BRAD: Is that the best way to keep a woman do you think? Build a huge bower? I'd build a bower. I'd build an empire. A Xanadu! Like Citizen Kane?

JANICE: Typical male. Old and dying on his deathbed: Does he call for a woman? No, he would rather have his sled.

BRAD: Nothing would probably do for you anyway would it?

JANICE: I don't know. [Small beat.] I haven't seen your bowers.

[A beat. Then a shared laugh.]

BRAD: Well just you wait. You're young. When you're married… boy do you have a lot ahead of you. You might find yourself in my shoes someday. Distraught, emotional, smelly, drunk, teetering on the edge of divorce, and scrambling through airports trying to get a connecting flight to Toledo.

JANICE: [Suddenly alive] Toledo?

BRAD: Yea. I got a brother out there…

JANICE: Toledo… Ohio?

BRAD: I know, strange place to get away from it all…

JANICE: No, no it's perfect… I thought you were going to Vegas… er, Reno!?

BRAD: No. No gambling for me- I don't like to leave too much to chance.

JANICE: What's Ohio like?

BRAD: Now? It's cold. I like it. Just might stay there. Why do you want to know?

JANICE: I want to go to Ohio.

BRAD: Oh. Well when you do go to Ohio, look me up. I'll show you the fine city of Toledo…

JANICE: No. See. I want to go to Ohio now.

[A beat. The HOMELESS MAN pops up behind them.]

HOMELESS MAN: Excuse me.

BRAD: Yes.

HOMELESS MAN: So sorry to interrupt Bobby, oh and hello Eunice-- how's the whole Kennedy litter? Hmm? [pulling out a wad of bills] Yes I seem to be out of change, can either of you break a fifty?

[A beat.]

[We hear a woman singing the final lines of "New York, New York."]

[Upon a cross-fade of lights we see the voice belongs to an older MARLENE with a microphone. She finishes up "New York, New York" with a flourish. There is mediocre applause.]

[A sign says: "After 1993."]

MARLENE: Thank you! Wahoo! Thank you, you are too kind. Welcome! Welcome to Bart's Karaoke bar! You look like a great crowd! It looks like a par-tay crowd if ever I saw one! Huh?! [A clap or two.] That's right! Is there anyone who wants to perform for us, huh? Come on don't be shy now! The words are on the monitor, it's easy! I notice that the request jar is empty! Tsk, tsk, tsk you naughty people. You don't want me to come down there and slap your hand! Slap, slap! Lighten up people! Anybody? Anybody want to show me how it's done?! I dare you. I double dare you! [Silence.] Oh now you're gonna make me sing another one aren't cha? You don't want me singing all night long do ya? Or maybe you do. I am pretty good. Don't say it! You jokers! You jokers you are! All right, I have a little ditty I would like to sing and on a serious note I'd like to dedicate it to a young man. A fine young man I knew in college, he was the love of my life and then all of a sudden... he was gone. Everyone has a true, true, really true love and he was mine. And as tribute to him… what's that? What's that Carrie? Carrie Macintosh at our Karaoke controls ladies and gentlemen, let's give my bestest friend in the whole wide world Carrie Macintosh a big round of applause, isn't she doing a fabulous job? Carrie is filling in for our fearless leader Bart who could not be with us tonight… by the way where is Bart tonight Car-car? Oh Carrie you so bad! Carrie says Bob is home masturbating tonight-- well I hope he's having fun! Carrie is such a potty mouth! We're both potty mouths and we want to party with you! What's that? Well, Carrie says there won't be a video to watch during the next song-- well I'm sure you are all terribly disappointed... I know-- these videos aren't the greatest, kinda corny, but you didn't hear me say that! You ever wonder who makes those silly karaoke videos? Maybe you don't but I do… NOT! [Laughs a bit too hard at this.] Anyway, on with the show. [Madonna's "Holiday" begins to play.] Are we having fun yet? You can do this too! That's right! This one's for you Zach, wherever you are.

[MARLENE sings "Holiday."]

[After a bit her voice cracks. She recovers. Tears well up. She keeps singing. She's in pain. She keeps singing. The music fades away. As do the lights.]

[She keeps singing in the darkness.]

[Her voice fades away. Silence.]


Back to Ohio Index

Copyright © 2003 by Nick Zagone

CAUTION: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that Ohio is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound taping, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as information storage and retrieval systems and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved.

Inquiries concerning all rights should be addressed to the author at

Home · Full-Length Plays · One-Act Plays · 10 Minute Plays · Monologues · Email · © 2000