[At lights up a MAN stands waiting for a woman sitting at her desk. She cries while typing on her computer. She sees the man waiting. He waves. She cleans up and takes the “CLOSED” sign off her desk.]
WOMAN: Can I help you?
MAN: Yes you can! I just moved here from out of state and I need a new driver’s license and registration.
WOMAN: All right. Any tickets in the last four years?
MAN: No…
WOMAN: Any arrests?
MAN: Nope.
WOMAN: Warrants?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: Convictions?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: Single?
MAN: What?
WOMAN: Marital status. Single?
MAN: Yes, how’d you…?
WOMAN: No ring. Divorced or Gay?
MAN: What?
WOMAN: It’s a new Gallup survey. Divorced or Gay?
MAN: Gallup survey…? I don’t see what…
WOMAN: Divorced or Gay!
MAN: Neither! Single! Never been married! Hetero!
WOMAN: Past relationships?
MAN: I don’t see what this has to do with…?
WOMAN: Only take a moment. Any past long-term intimate relationships please?
MAN: Like heavy duty? [WOMAN nods.] Well of course…
WOMAN: How many? One. Two. Or more than one or two?
MAN: Well… one.
WOMAN: How long? Less than one year? More than one year? Or “Not really over yet because every so often you still get drunk and make ‘booty calls?’”
MAN: Does it say that?
WOMAN: Please just answer the question.
MAN: Four years. And it’s over.
WOMAN: [After a pause.] Live together?
MAN: It doesn’t say that!
WOMAN: It says “dated,” “lived together” or… “Other.”
MAN: Fine. I don’t know what “other” is, so I guess we lived together.
WOMAN: [Under her breath.] Free milk from the cow…
MAN: What was that?
WOMAN: Nothing.
MAN: Listen. I just want to get my driver’s license and registration okay?
WOMAN: Did you love her?
MAN: She didn’t want to get married okay!?
WOMAN: [Typing this in.] “Loved her but says it is over.” All right. I need your current driver’s license, current registration, old license plates and tags, smog inspection certificate, VIN tags and verification, proof of insurance from an in-state provider, social security number, driving record, the blue book on your car, and a letter from your mommy.
[MAN has frantically produced all the WOMAN requires, making a pile of papers on her desk.]
MAN: Ha! Got it all! Right here!
WOMAN: [Picking through the pile, she spots something.] This registration expired yesterday.
MAN: I know…
WOMAN: Have you driven your car since yesterday?
MAN: No.
WOMAN: No!? How did you get here then?
MAN: [Points off stage.] Her.
WOMAN: Who’s that? Your new girlfriend? That bitch!
MAN: That’s my sister.
WOMAN: Oh. Can she verify that in a court of law?!
MAN: Can we get on with this please?
WOMAN: All right. [Facing her computer terminal and typing.] Car or truck?
MAN: Car.
WOMAN: Two wheel or four?
MAN: Two.
WOMAN: V-6 or V-8?
MAN: V-8.
WOMAN: Hmmmm. Camero or Mustang?
MAN: Mustang.
WOMAN: HMmmmm! Income per year. 10 grand to 20? 20 to 30? 30 to 40? 50 plus?
MAN: The DMV wants to know my income?
WOMAN: And that’s Net, not Gross.
MAN: Well if all goes well, 50 plus.
WOMAN: Boxers or Briefs?
MAN: What?
WOMAN: Boxers or Briefs.
[MAN realizes what’s going, and decides to play the game.]
MAN: All right. Okay. Boxers or Briefs. Right now?
WOMAN: Yes.
MAN: Boxers.
WOMAN: Person type: A or B?
MAN: A.
WOMAN: Person type: Night or Morning?
MAN: Night.
WOMAN: We exchange numbers or you ask me out right now?
MAN: Right now.
WOMAN: Drinks or Dinner?
MAN: Dinner.
WOMAN: French or Italian?
MAN: French.
WOMAN: Wine or beer?
MAN: Wine.
WOMAN: Cash or Credit?
MAN: Cash.
WOMAN: Your place or mine?
MAN: Mine.
[They become a bit excited, breathing heavy, this builds…]
WOMAN: Wells or Hitchcock?
MAN: Hitchcock.
WOMAN: Salinger or Kerouac?
MAN: Kerouac.
WOMAN: Lennon or McCartney?!
MAN: Lennon! Bra clasp front or back?
WOMAN: None!
MAN: Oh my god!
WOMAN: Slow or fast?
MAN: Fast!
WOMAN: Heels on or off?
MAN: For God’s sake on! Wait! Condom or…
WOMAN: Pill!
MAN: Yes!
WOMAN: Top or bottom?!
MAN: Top!
WOMAN: Over or under?!
MAN: Who cares!?
WOMAN: Want or need?! Buy or sell?! Tie me up or tie me down?! Bob or Carol or Ted or Alice?!
MAN: Parsley!
WOMAN: Sage!
MAN: Rosemary!
WOMAN: Thyme!
MAN: YES or NO!
WOMAN: Ginger or Mary Ann?!
MAN: MRS. BRADY!
[WOMAN finally orgasms big time.]
WOMAN: Yes! Oh my God!!! [BOTH are breathing heavy. A beat.] Smoke or clove?
MAN: Smoke.
[They smoke. Another beat.]
WOMAN: Out to a movie or rent?
MAN: Rent.
WOMAN: Meet my friends or yours.
MAN: Mine.
WOMAN: We argue or fight.
MAN: Fight.
WOMAN: You make up with flowers, or roses?
MAN: Roses.
WOMAN: Big wedding or small?
MAN: Big.
WOMAN: House or apartment?
MAN: House.
WOMAN: Carpet or Hardwood.
MAN: Carpet.
WOMAN: One kid or two?
MAN: One.
WOMAN: Christmas at my parents or yours?
MAN: Mine.
WOMAN: Stay up with me and talk? Or got to… sleep?
[MAN is already snoring.]
WOMAN: [Putting out her cigarette.] All right, just a few more questions… before I give you your… license and registration. Are you asleep? I said are you sleeping?!
[MAN wakes with a start.]
MAN: No! No. [After a beat.] Do I get my license and registration now?
WOMAN: Well that’s what I wanted to talk to you about.
MAN: What? I gave you everything I was supposed to have, I met all the requirements!
WOMAN: You just don’t get it do you?!
MAN: [Showing her the papers.] I have done everything I can to make you happy!
WOMAN: All this?! [Taking papers and throwing them at him.] All this means nothing to me!
MAN: You got problems. I’m going to your manager. Maybe she’ll give me my license and registration! Maybe your manager will give me what I NEED!!
WOMAN: No! Don’t!
MAN: What is your problem!
WOMAN: [Turning back to her terminal, typing on her keyboard.] Oh look, says here you have a suspended license how bout that?
MAN: What are you doing?
WOMAN: And look here, a warrant for your arrest!
MAN: Wait!
WOMAN: You seem to be on the FBI’s Ten Most Wanted List, of all the crazy things!
MAN: Stop! Stop! Stop it! Look, I’m sorry. I want to go back. Before. To the way we were, remember? You would ask me questions. And I would answer? It was so wonderful. I want that feeling back. How ‘bout it? You and me? Can you feel it in your heart to try again? Give me one more chance?
WOMAN: [Through her tears.] I’m sorry. It’s too late. Too late for that.
MAN: No. Please no…
WOMAN: Here are your new plates, your tags, your license and this…
MAN: Is it… my registration?
WOMAN: [Nodding.] Your walkin’ papers. This hurts me as much as it hurts you.
MAN: [Signing registration.] You don’t know that. I don’t even think I can go on.
WOMAN: You’ll be back. Next year, and the year after, and the year after that-
MAN: I have no regrets.
WOMAN: As long as men and women need cars, people like us will go on loving each other.
MAN: Good-bye.
[He exits. She’s crying. A beat. ANOTHER WOMAN enters and stands waiting.]
WOMAN: [Getting herself together.] Can I help you?
ANOTHER WOMAN: Yes you can. I moved here from out of state and I need a new license and registration.
WOMAN: Any tickets in the last four years?
ANOTHER WOMAN: No.
WOMAN: Any arrests?
ANOTHER WOMAN: No.
WOMAN: Warrants?
ANOTHER WOMAN: No.
WOMAN: Convictions?
ANOTHER WOMAN: No.
[A beat. WOMAN smiles, then takes a deep breath.]
WOMAN: Married or single?
