Part I of the Mint Juleps Trilogy


Copyright © 2002 by Nick Zagone

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All females, 21.

[Four chairs resemble a parked car. It's night. ROBERTA and REBECCA sit in the front seat. REBECCA in passenger seat.]

ROBERTA: Do you think I'm becoming ill? Unstable? Maybe I'm becoming an alcoholic. You think I'm becoming an alcoholic. You think there's something wrong with me. There is. I think I should take lithium. I heard lithium helps. Like that song by Nirvana? Lithium? "I'm so happy ‘cause today I found my friends. In my head." Is that how it goes?

REBECCA: I told you I'm not talking.

ROBERTA: Robert likes Nirvana. I should get him a Nirvana CD, but I think he has them all. That would be a good first move. Don't you think? If I got him a new Nirvana CD? But he's probably sick of them by now. Like he's sick of me. Bugging him. Some alcoholic chick bugging him giving him Nirvana CDs. How stupid. Do you think I should just not bug him? I'm bugging him aren't I. I should play hard to get. He's got to be here tonight. He said he was going to be here.

REBECCA: Let's just go in.

ROBERTA: No! We're not fashionably late enough yet! Just stay in the car another ten minutes. Hey! You just talked! I knew you couldn't do it. I knew when you said you weren't talking tonight that you couldn't do it, how could you go to a party and not talk. Or are you just not talking to me? Is that what it is? You're just not talking to me. You don't like me anymore. You think I'm an alcoholic!

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROBERTA: You were good. You were! I thought you were good. You did a good job. I said you were good, that's all that matters right? I mean who cares anyway. It was just a stupid little sketch.

REBECCA: A play.

ROBERTA: Whatever. Geez, why are you being bitchy to me. I didn't do anything! I said you were good. Who cares anyway? I mean there were like nine people in the audience. Why are you getting so freaked out? Nobody even saw you! All the people that are at this party? They weren't even there! You're getting me all upset. I'm unstable. I should take Xanax. Robert said he takes Xanax. Maybe I'll start taking Xanax. He better be here. I don't see his car yet. Robert said he was going to be here when I saw him, and I said that was great because I was going to be here too. Oh no! Maybe Robert won't show up now because I said I was going to the party too! You think he'd do that? [REBECCA sighs.] I heard Robert was going and I just went right up to him, "I heard you were going to the party!" And he just said "Yea." And I said, "Outstanding! I'm going too. I'll see you there." But with my cute seductive look—like this—face down, eyes up. Ya know— [She does the look.] "I'll see you there." And he just said, "Yea" like that, "Yea." And I said, "Great! I'm going too!" And then he looked at Tom. Looked at Tom like he was scared. Like Tom said something to him. You think Tom said something to him? Tom better not have. Oh for God's sake girl cheer up!

REBECCA: The phone didn't ring. The phone was supposed to ring. Did you notice that?


REBECCA: The phone was supposed to ring, but it didn't so I just made a phone call instead.

ROBERTA: I didn't notice anything! It was fine. It's just a stupid play.

REBECCA: It's not stupid.

ROBERTA: I didn't mean it's stupid, I meant who cares? Ya know? Nobody really cares.

REBECCA: I care.

ROBERTA: Well that's good. Ya know, that's good to do that. Look, if Robert isn't here tonight I'm going to be devastated okay? Devastated and you're going to have to stay with me at the party okay? You have to promise. Promise!

REBECCA: All right.

ROBERTA: Well, I guess Brad will still be there. Brad likes me I think. He bought me a Mint Julep. At the bar the other night? A Mint Julep. Isn't that weird? He likes me. But a Mint Julep though—that's weird. I can't go out with a guy who buys me a Mint Julep.

REBECCA: Did you get the part about the pen?


REBECCA: The pen. My lover's pen.


REBECCA: He gave it to me before he got on the train. To go to war. And die. You got that he died right?

ROBERTA: In the skit?

REBECCA: The play!

ROBERTA: Oh! Yea, I thought you had real lover that gave you a pen-- I was going what are you talking about? He gave you a pen? I mean who cares about a pen. [ROSETTA enters.] Oh my God! Look who's coming—look at those earrings, what's up with those—and of course she's wearing that Tommy Tube-top. She's still pissed off about Tom.

[ROSETTA plops in the backseat of the car laughing.]

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile!

ROBERTA: Is Robert in there?

ROSETTA: I'm going to Chile with Hamish!

ROBERTA: Oh good, Robert's got to be at the party if Hamish is there.

ROSETTA: I'm going to hike the Andes with Hamish! Just me and Hamish on the Andes mountains making love. In a tent. Sharing a sleeping bag.

ROBERTA: Is Robert going?

ROSETTA: I don't know.

ROBERTA: I hope Robert is going.

ROSETTA: I hope not. I don't know.

ROBERTA: Then maybe Robert will ask me to go.

ROSETTA: Oh my god Robert is probably going to Chile. How are me and Hamish supposed to get it on if Robert is there?

ROBERTA: No! [Laughs.] Isn't that funny? Don't worry hon, I wasn't talking about Chile—I meant the party!

ROSETTA: Oh the party! Yea, I don't know, I heard Robert was going to be here.

REBECCA: You didn't make it to my play.

ROSETTA: What? Was that tonight? I'm sorry. Does it play again?

REBECCA: No. Tonight was it.

ROSETTA: Well they should play those things longer! Every time I want to see a play? It's over. How long did it play?

REBECCA: Six weeks.

ROSETTA: See what I mean? They should show them longer. You should tell them to play it longer. It's not like you got anything else to do right?

ROBERTA: Robert's scared of me I think. I wonder if Tom told him something. You think Tom told him something?

ROSETTA: How should I know? So Hamish was telling me about Chile today in the library and I said that it sounded really cool. And then he said he was going back this summer and he said—"You should go sometime." And I said, with my cute seductive look, you know, face down, eyes up [She does the look.] like that? I said, "Can I go with you?" And he said, "If you want." So me and Hamish are going to Chile! [REBECCA sighs.] What's wrong?

ROBERTA: Her little play thing didn't go to well.

REBECCA: You said you liked it!

ROBERTA: No! I'd never say that. I said I thought you were good! She said she wasn't going to talk tonight.

ROSETTA: She wasn't going to talk?

ROBERTA: No, she said she was going to quit talking. Says nobody really cares, so why talk?

ROSETTA: How can you go to a party and not talk? She was just talking just a second ago anyway!

ROBERTA: I know! I know!

ROSETTA: Girl, I am flying tonight! I hope Billy hears. I hope Billy hears I'm going to Chile with Hamish. That dick.

REBECCA: Can we go in yet?

ROSETTA: Thought I'd just crumble without him? Hell no!

ROBERTA: Billy's supposed to be here tonight.

ROSETTA: Good! I'm going to follow him around all night. "You hate me? You hate me huh? Well I'm going to Chile with Hamish!" All night I'm going to follow him around.

ROBERTA: You ever had a Mint Julep? Brad bought me a Mint Julep.

ROSETTA: He bought you a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I think he likes me.

ROSETTA: What's a Mint Julep?

ROBERTA: I'm going to ask him tonight—Do you like me?

ROSETTA: You can't go out with a guy who buys you a Mint Julep!

ROBERTA: I know!

ROSETTA: I'm going to follow him around all night too! What the fuck is up with you Mint Julep boy! You bought a girl a Mint Julep? What's up with that?

ROBERTA: Really! I mean a MINT JULIP!

REBECCA: So what?! SO WHAT?!


REBECCA: So he bought you a Mint Julep! Who cares! I mean who the FUCK really cares!

ROSETTA: I thought she wasn't talking?

ROBERTA: She wasn't.

ROSETTA: I thought you weren't talking there "No talker!"

ROBERTA: She's upset about her little play.

REBECCA: No I'm not. I'm not anymore.

ROSETTA: What's the big deal? I heard nobody was going because the review was horrible anyway. It's not your fault it was bad.

REBECCA: You didn't see it.

ROSETTA: I don't have to. I heard it was bad.

REBECCA: Forget it.

ROSETTA: Come on, we'll go to REI tomorrow and we'll buy some boots!


ROSETTA: ‘Cause I'm going to need some boots for my trip to CHILE WITH HAMMISH! Come on, you guys are fashionably late enough—let's grab a beer.

ROBERTA: Wait. I should probably tell you—Hamish picked up on me last week.


ROBERTA: I think Hamish picked up on me.

ROSETTA: No he didn't. He did?

ROBERTA: I bummed a smoke from Robert and… and… Hamish lit it for me.

ROSETTA: He what?

ROBERTA: He lit my smoke.

ROSETTA: Well. That's all right.

ROBERTA: I was going to light it myself, and he just came from out of nowhere and lit my smoke—just like that!

ROSETTA: Did he smile?

ROBERTA: I guess. I couldn't tell.

ROSETTA: Then how can you—

ROBERTA: You can tell. You know, you can tell. He was. Definitely.

ROSETTA: All right. SUPPOSE he did FLIRT with you… you let him?

ROBERTA: Well. Yea! I mean I needed a light. You aren't going out with him or anything.

ROSETTA: Look. It's cool. I know what you're talking about, and it's not what you think. He always lights smokes like that actually. It's kind of a joke. He started that with me. He does that all the time.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

ROSETTA: He does!

ROBERTA: Whatever. I was just trying to let you know. Trying to help you.

REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: What? What?! You promised!

ROSETTA: Oh my God! Look!

ROBERTA: Oh my God it's Mint Julep Brad… and he's with Michelle.

ROSETTA: With Michelle! You showed him the hand and now he's moved on it seems. Oh my God!

ROBERTA: Oh my God did you see that? He kissed her! That fucking dick!

ROSETTA: He better keep away from gonococcus mouth Michelle if he knows what's good for him.

ROBERTA: Yea! I better warn him. [Pulls out her purse. Looks around.] I don't see Robert yet. Maybe Brad will buy me another drink, hopefully not another Mint Julep. But who cares right? [To Rebecca:] Who cares about a Mint Julep right? [She takes out a bottle of pills, pops one and puts it back.] Okay. You guys comin'?

ROSETTA: Yea, whatever, we'll be out in a sec.

ROBERTA: It's not what you think.

ROSETTA: Whatever.

ROBERTA: Whatever.

[They exchange "whatevers" until Roberta is almost out of the car. Rebecca stops her.]



REBECCA: I want to go home.

ROBERTA: [Crazed.] I went to your play! I went to your stupid play! So fuck off!

[ROBERTA slams the door and exits.]

REBECCA: I need to talk. I want to talk to someone.

ROSETTA: Yea. That fucking cunt. I can't believe she'd do that to me. Flirt with someone she knows I like. I'm her friend. Would you do what she did? No. ‘Cause you're a friend. You listen. You know what a friend is. I would never do that to you. She's just trying to get back at me for Tom. I can't help it if Tom wanted me. I don't know what she's so upset about. It's not like Tom called me afterwards.

REBECCA: I need help.

ROSETTA: Yea. We're all fucked up. I can't wait to go to Chile. Let's get a beer.

[ROSETTA gets out of the car, shuts the door and exits. It's quiet. REBECCA is alone.]

REBECCA: I'm not talking.


Part II of the Mint Juleps Trilogy: The Coors Lights

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