A monologue from the play by May Isabel Fisk

NOTE: This play was first published in Monologues. May Isabel Fisk. New York: Harper & Brothers, 1903. It is now a public domain work and may be performed without royalties.

WOMAN: Got a seat! Got a seat ... I beg your pardon, I'm keeping this seat for a friend. Oh my! I--I-- How dreadful! I thought it was the friend I'm waiting for. I don't know how I could have made such a mistake, but, don't you know, so many women seem to look alike with their hats on! So stupid! Boy, boy, programme boy, what time is it?... Five minutes of two? They are to commence at two, aren't they?... Well, they never do commence on time, do they?... Come back; wait a minute. Now, do you mean two o'clock by your time or the time down on the stage? Couldn't you find out? And, boy, if you see a lady in a dark skirt and a light waist, who seems to be looking for someone, won't you please tell her I'm here, way up in the second balcony, round by the stage? And--boy, boy, come back here! I want a programme.... I beg your pardon, I'm keeping this seat for-- Twenty-five cents! Well, I don't want it. I never heard of charging twenty-five cents for a programme.... I don't care if it is a benefit. Besides, all those you want to hear never come, and they fill up with anybody, and ... I'm keeping this seat for a friend.... No, I don't think there is any rule about it. Of coure, if the performance begins before my friend comes, I ... It's not two o'clock yet.... Well, it may be by your watch, but it's not by the programme boy's time, and they are going to begin by his time, and be late at that.... I don't care to quarrel over a question of that description with an utter stranger, but I certainly shall not give up this seat!... No, I am keeping this seat for a woman who was once my friend. I beg you will pardon my being so upset, but that woman over there--the one in the hideous red hat just going around the corner--fairly insulted me because I wouldn't give up these seats.... Yes, yes--I'd be very glad to have your little boy sit here while you look for seats. You see, when you are really sitting in them they can't turn you out. What a dear little man he is! I'm so fond of children.... All right, take your time.... Yes, you can hold the umbrella, but don't thump on the floor with it. Ouch! That went right on my foot. Don't do that again.... Oh, I wouldn't do that--little gentlemen don't put umbrella handles in their mouths. That isn't nice for little men to stand in seats.... Well, perhaps your mamma does let you, but you shant do it while you're with me. Now, get down--get down!... Don't cry! Don't cry! Don't scream so! Everybody is looking at us.... Stand up again if you want to--eat the umbrella if you like, but stop screaming, you naughty boy, give me my umbrella. You are very, very wicked--you will never go to heaven, you dreadful child!

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