[Lights up as STAN and VELMA sit at a table in a nice restaurant. Velma puts her napkin in her lap. Stan, spying her, does the same. Stan looks at the wine menu for a few moments. Velma studies her menu.]
VELMA: I want to hear the specials.
STAN: They have quite a wine list here. Very impressive.
VELMA: I don’t believe I’ll be drinking any wine.
STAN: Oh, no wine, huh. You don’t drink?
VELMA: Not this evening.
STAN: I understand.
[He shuts the wine menu.]
VELMA: What do you understand?
STAN: A first date. Don’t want to let your defenses down so you figure you’ll stay away from the alcohol. Very smart. You’re a very smart girl. And beautiful.
[Stan fingers the wine menu.]
VELMA: If you want to drink, go ahead. It doesn’t bother me.
[Stan quickly moves his hand away.]
STAN: Noooo. Don’t be silly. I don’t NEED to drink. I just thought it would be nice for dinner. That’s all. But I don’t need to.
VELMA: Well, it’s your choice.
STAN: It is.
[They both look at their menus for a moment. Stan taps his fingers on the menu, a nervous habit.]
VELMA: Look, if you want to order a drink then you—
STAN: I don’t want a drink! Excuse me. I didn’t mean to get so…loud.
VELMA: Well, it seems as if you do. You seem very nervous.
STAN: Well, first dates make me nervous. There. I said it. I’ve lost my cool mystique and tipped my hand. First dates make me nervous. Certainly I’m not the Johnny Depp you were looking for.
VELMA: That’s okay. I’m not asking you to be. Relax. Let’s get to know each other. Tell me something about yourself.
STAN: Well…I’m married.
VELMA: You’re what?
STAN: Oh god. I probably shouldn’t have said that. But it’s true. I’m married.
VELMA: I see.
[Pause.]
STAN: Is that a problem?
VELMA: No.
STAN: And you? Are you married?
[The waiter enters. He sounds more like a game show announcer than a waiter.]
VELMA: Oh thank God. The waiter.
WAITER: Good evening. Would you be interested in hearing tonight’s specials?
VELMA: We would.
STAN: It’s true. She’s right.
[Velma eyes Stan oddly and the waiter proceeds.]
WAITER: Would you like something to drink first?
VELMA: I’ll have some sparkling water.
WAITER: Sparkling water. Sexy. And the monsieur.
STAN: I’ll have a glass of your best Cab.
WAITER: Wine for the monsieur. No wine for the lady. Interesting.
[He begins to exit.]
STAN: I thought you asked if we wanted to hear the specials?
WAITER: I did. It’s true.
[He exits.]
STAN: He’s odd.
VELMA: Yes, he is.
STAN: So we have that in common.
VELMA: It’s true we do. [Pause.] Does your wife know you’re on this date?
STAN: She does.
VELMA: Really?
STAN: Yes. It was her idea in fact. Thought it might help things between us.
VELMA: Oh. Sounds like a strange woman.
STAN: [beaming] She is. She really is. But let’s not talk about her. Let’s talk about you.
VELMA: What shall we talk about?
STAN: We could talk about how you take my breath away.
VELMA: I think I should tell you…uh…I’m sorry I don’t even know your name.
STAN: It’s Stan.
VELMA: Stanley?
STAN: NO! Stan. Just Stan. Stan Casual.
VELMA: Stan Casual?
STAN: Truly.
VELMA: Again. Odd. You’re a very odd fellow. But I must say I am intrigued by you. Even drawn to you.
STAN: That makes me very happy. I can’t express how happy that makes me, except to say it makes me VERY happy. Very.
VELMA: But I am having a hard time getting over this thing with your wife.
STAN: Forget about her. Wash her from your memory. She’s dead to me now. Only you reside in my heart.
VELMA: I’ll try. But it’s not easy. I feel as if I have a responsibility to your wife—
STAN: Can we please stop talking about my wife! [He slams his fist on the table.] I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to react like that. [She stands up to leave.] You’re not going to leave me, are you?
VELMA: I don’t see why I shouldn’t.
STAN: Our dinner for one. I hear the specials here are magical. Please. I can make this up to you. I really can. If you insist on—or rather if you want to talk about my wife then feel free.
VELMA: Well, if you’re married why should I even bother to continue this?
STAN: Why? Because I’m trained. I’ve been purged of all the irritating behavior of men that drives women crazy. I have been whipped into tip-top shape, I assure you. For example, I always leave the seat down. I shave regularly. I understand the importance of flowers. I can order good wine--if you want it. I don’t talk about sports. I can talk about the arts. AND MOREOVER, you would get the best of me because you don’t have to see me day in and day out. That’s my wife’s problem not yours. She would have to put up with the daily grind while you reap the benefits. Imagine what a great sex life we could have.
[Velma sits.]
VELMA: You might have a point.
STAN: I really think I do.
VELMA: I very much enjoy good sex.
STAN: I think we’re in complete agreement there.
VELMA: Sometimes I like to be naughty.
[Stan shifts in his chair.]
STAN: Me too. Me too. I don’t mind telling you--. Well, I hope I’m not being too forward right now but you are--. I better stop right there.
VELMA: Please don’t. Tell me.
STAN: I don’t think I should. Where is that waiter with our drinks?
VELMA: I think you should feel free to tell me anything. Reveal yourself to me.
STAN: Well, your naughty talk is giving me a Woodrow.
VELMA: A Woodrow?
STAN: Yes, a woody. A hardon.
[She slaps him.]
VELMA: I am appalled. That’s how you talk on a first date?
[Velma stands to leave. The waiter stops her.]
WAITER: Please do sit down, ma’am. I am ready to recite the specials to you.
[Velma hesitates. The waiter stares at her. She sits. The waiter looks as if he’s going to recite the specials and then begins to exit.]
STAN: What about the specials?
[The waiter turns.]
WAITER: I am no longer ready.
[The waiter exits.]
STAN: I am really sorry about that. This whole dating thing is so new to me. I just—I don’t know how to behave, how to censor, how to talk. To be quite honest I don’t know a lot. Please forgive me and my ignorance.
VELMA: I forgive you.
[Stan grabs her hand and stares into her eyes.]
STAN: Thank you so much for not leaving me.
VELMA: Did you enjoy that?
STAN: Enjoy what?
VELMA: My slap. The way I slapped you.
[Stan rubs his face, reliving the moment.]
STAN: I must say I did enjoy the stinging.
VELMA: I thought you might. There’s more where that came from you know.
STAN: Perhaps we should leave right now.
VELMA: But we haven’t eaten.
STAN: We can eat something else. Somewhere else. Something on the order of cream perhaps.
VELMA: You need to exert more control, Stan. Don’t rush things. It is only our first date.
STAN: You are right. Waiter? Waiter? We’re ready to order. Where is he? You’re right. We should have dinner first.
VELMA: And then what, Stan?
STAN: We should just see where the night takes us.
VELMA: See what arises?
STAN: I like the sound of that.
VELMA: Perhaps your wife would be interested in joining us.
STAN: Perhaps we should keep her out of this.
VELMA: Are you embarrassed of me?
STAN: No. I just don’t think…I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of a thing yet.
VELMA: Hmmm.
STAN: What hmmmm? You sound disappointed.
VELMA: I just thought you were a bit more cosmopolitan. That’s all.
STAN: It’s not that I’m afraid. It’ s just—
[Stan lights a smoke.]
VELMA: Suddenly you smoke?
STAN: I’ve smoked since the first day you met me.
VELMA: I’m turned off by it.
[Stan snuffs out his cigarette.]
STAN: It’s just that I’d like to keep you and my wife separate.
VELMA: You think you can do that?
STAN: I just now realized that I don’t even know your name.
VELMA: It’s Velma.
STAN: Velma. Interesting. And your last name?
VELMA: I don’t want to reveal that.
STAN: I understand.
[She leans in seductively.]
VELMA: But I am ready to reveal other things to you.
STAN: Such as?
VELMA: Well, you’ll just have to wait.
STAN: But what if I can’t?
VELMA: You must.
STAN: I can’t.
VELMA: I know your wife.
STAN: I don’t believe you.
VELMA: Who do you think set this up? Do you think you did this by yourself?
STAN: I thought so. Yes.
VELMA: It’s because your wife is crafty.
STAN: If she is I wouldn’t know now would I?
VELMA: Perhaps it is time to leave.
STAN: I couldn’t agree more.
VELMA: Do you think it will be difficult for you to return to your wife once you have experienced what I have to offer?
[Pause.]
STAN: I couldn’t say for sure.
[Pause.]
VELMA: I could. Go home to your wife.
STAN: And you?
VELMA: I’m pregnant.
STAN: Is that so?
VELMA: And moreover, you’re the father.
STAN: So you’ve been faithful to me all this time?
VELMA: Of course. I made a commitment to you before God.
STAN: Shall we go then?
VELMA: We shall.
[The waiter arrives.]
WAITER: Where are you going? I am now ready to recite the specials.
[Stan and Velma exits as lights fade to black.]
